I've been feeling a little low over the last couple of days. Desolation felt close. After the 'high' of the previous weekend, I suppose it was only natural for one to land with a loud thud when one hits ground zero after reality gives one a giant kick up the backside. So there's also a big "Ouch!" in there somewhere as well.
Coincidentally for an occasion like this, a Matt Redman song keeps resonating within me. I suppose I cannot fault it's timing as I wallowed in such poignant times. The opening goes like this.
"Jesus, I could sing
In the tongues of men and angels
But if I have not love
I am just a clanging cymbal, and empty sound..."
What's this suppose to mean for a soul as wretched as mine? What indeed?
I have not attended church for two Sabbaths now. I got distracted. I became wayward too. I made the mistake of giving in to the weakness of the flesh. And for that, I have to pay the price of penance now. I also made the mistake of thinking that I was adequately strong to stand on my own. As oft is the case, I was wrong. Individual strength cannot possibly measure up to that which we have when we choose to live with God by on our side. And therein, lies my dilemma. Like a fool chasing the rainbow, I had allowed myself to be led away by sordid worldly lures.
"I should have just thrown away the stupid key..." is a sentence that endlessly echoes in my mind.
Forgive me, Abba. Take me home please. I need you. I really do.
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